Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned
by Nazza
Summary: More trouble with the italics not showing up. I'll be swearing, just for the fun of it.
1. The Philosopher

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not appear in this fic (YAY!)/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs (that's Luigi's job lol j/k)/

[**Chapter 1**: The Philosopher]

'How you going, 'Arry?' said Ron. He sat down next to him on the common room lounge.

'Alright,' said Harry. 'So far first year has been awesome. Even though we've only been here about two weeks.'

'A pity there's no drugs though,' said Ron. He noticed Harry staring at him, and added, 'A joke. It was a joke.'

'**I** can make drugs easily,' stated a certain stuck-up girl.

'Oh no,' said Ron quietly. 'Get her away before I go cuckoo.'

'We don't need any drugs, Hermione,' said Harry.

'I wasn't talking to **you**, Harry,' said Hermione. 'I was talking to the Philosopher.'

'The Philosopher?'

'Ask me later,' said Hermione. Strangely enough, Harry didn't bother to ask her where she was.

'I can explain,' said Ron.

'Explain then,' said Harry.

'Well,' said Ron, 'seeing as I'm so popular –'

'Get to the point.'

'Okay then…'

'There was this strange kid who came to school.' _A strange kid came to school. 'He looks weird, mummy,' said some little kid that was in the school grounds for some reason. 'That's because he's a stoner!' said the kid's mummy._ 'He was basically a stoner.'

'That doesn't explain anything –'

'Let me finish. He became popular by dealing drugs.' _'That's two dollars,' said the Philosopher. 'Two dollars? Just for this cigarette?' 'Yes, two dollars for the cigarette. It has a secret ingredient.' _'He became very popular for dealing drugs.' _'Here you go, Ron.'_

'Huh?' said Harry. 'Have you been smoking –'

'Uh, no, no, why would you think that?'

'Anyway, back onto the story.'

'And he always went weird when he was stoned.' _'That guy is trying to run up the wall!' said one student. 'He believes there's a chocolate valley in the roof,' said another student._ 'Because of his weird ways, they nicknamed him the Philosopher.'

'That makes no sense!' said Harry.

'Sure it does,' said Ron. 'You see, you sell it for fifty pounds – wait, wrong explanation. They call him Philosopher because he gets stoned so much.'

'That's very clever,' said Harry.

'I'm not buying pot off the Philosopher!' Hermione shouted out persuasively.

'Yes you are!' shouted Ron.

'Damn! How'd you guess?' asked Hermione. 'Ooh, this stuff is good.'

Suddenly Hermione fell down the steps and landed in the common room. 'I'm fine,' said Hermione. She put a cigarette up to her mouth and breathed it in. 'Yeah, this is good stuff.'

'Hermione, I don't think you should be stoned right now,' said Harry.

'Why not?'

'Because we're missing out on the first Quidditch match!' said Harry.

_Are they? Are they really?_ Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	2. Quidditch Match 1

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza does not endorse the use of broomsticks as a flying device/

[**Chapter 2**: Quidditch Match #1]

'Because we're missing out on the first Quidditch match!' said Harry.

'Really?' said the Philosopher. 'I thought Quidditch was made up, like wizards and monsters and the perfect woman!'

'Aren't you the seeker?' asked Ron.

'No duh,' said Harry. 'Well, I'd better hurry or I'll be late!'

Harry left the common room, followed by Ron. Hermione followed but walked into the wall and fell over.

'Good job Hermione,' said the Philosopher.

-Meanwhile-

Harry arrived just in time. He walked out into the field with the rest of the Quidditch team and flew high up into the air. 'Here's Gryffindor's Quidditch team!' shouted Lee Jordan. 'Fred and George Weasley are the beaters, Oliver Wood is the keeper, Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell are the chasers, and the new seeker for the Gryffindor team, Harry Potter!'

The crowd went wild. 'I hope it's not because of the Philosopher's drugs,' said Harry to himself.

'Ey, 'Arry!' shouted Fred. 'Have you had any of the Phisolopher's pot? Is good stuff!'

'Oh no,' said Harry. 'Fred's high, this isn't good.'

'Yeah, 'Arry, you should try some of it, is very good. So good I –'

Suddenly George's broomstick did a 180 and George began to fall.

Harry sighed. 'It seems all the Weasleys are getting high.'

'Ey 'Arry, that Philophesor is a legend mate!' said Oliver Wood.

'God,' said Harry. 'I hope there's at least one person on the team who's not stoned.'

Harry flew over to the chasers, ignoring Fred who was trying to look up his own nostrils. 'Uh, have any of you been to the Philosopher lately?'

Alicia accidentally poked herself in the eye, Angelina was trying to pull off her shoe with her mouth, and Katie was spinning around in circles.

'Looks like it's only me,' said Harry.

The Ravenclaw team were introduced. Only two of their team had been drugged though.

'On my whistle,' said Madam Hooch, who looked like she'd paid a visit to the Philosopher, though in fact she had never had a marijuana cigarette in her life. 'Three, two, one –'

The whistle blew, and Harry was off. He flew around for a while, looking for the snitch.

'And Ravenclaw are off to a flying start,' said Lee Jordan. 'The chasers are flying around wildly, as if they've been drugged or something –'

'You're not allowed to say that, Lee,' said McGonagall.

'And Ravenclaw have scored an easy goal! And Wood seems to be celebrating!'

Harry shook his head. 'I'll have to catch the snitch fast.'

A few minutes later, Ravenclaw were already on forty points. 'And Ravenclaw have possession of the Quaffles as usual.' Harry swung past Fred, who was whacking himself on the head with his baseball bat, and snatched it out. He swung at a beater that was headed his way, then flew straight at the Ravenclaw chaser.

Before they knew it, Harry had the Quaffle. He flew up to the keeper, who happened to be one of the two who was stoned, and easily scored a goal.

'Well, that's strange!' said Lee Jordan. 'The Gryffindor seeker has just scored a goal! There doesn't seem to be anything in the rulebook against it, though.'

As Harry flew past, the Ravenclaw keeper high-fived him.

'Man, this Philosopher dude has **way** too much time on his hands,' said Harry. He suddenly caught a glimpse of the snitch, and instantly flew towards it. He was getting slowly closer, and closer. He stretched out his hand, and…

It flew away, and hit Katie Bell in the head. She went falling down and landed on the ground.

Harry had no time to watch the medic team take Katie away, though. He was following the snitch. He nearly had it. Almost…he stretched his arm out. Just a bit more…

The crowd roared as Ravenclaw scored another goal.

The crowd roared even louder as Harry held up the snitch.

'And the score is Ravenclaw fifty to Gryffinder one-hundred and sixty!' announced Lee Jordan. 'Gryffindor, despite having severe handicaps, have won!'

The chasers shook their heads. Unfortunately for them, the other stoned person was their seeker.

Hermione looked at Harry's smile and smiled. 'He's the second 'appiest person alive,' she said.

'Who's the first happiest person?' asked Ron, who luckily didn't do drugs.

'Hermionininininininininininny,' said Hermione. 'Tha' is me!'

'That Philosopher has **WAY** too much time on his hands,' said Ron.

_Is Harry _really_ that happy? Will Hermione decide to go into rehab?_ Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	3. Draco's Dare

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 3**: Draco's Dare]

Harry walked back to the common room with Ron. Hermione was wandering aimlessly around the school so they could only hope she didn't do something stupid like going into the Forbidden Forest or get Petrified.

'What do we have next period?' Harry asked.

Ron pulled out his timetable. 'Crap,' he said. 'We have Potions with Slytherin next.'

'When does the next period start?' asked Harry.

'When the bell rings,' said Ron.

-Next Period-

Harry and Ron arrived. 'I see you've finally decided to join us,' said Snape.

'Sorry,' said Harry, 'we didn't hear the bell ring.'

'I take it Hermione didn't either?'

Harry looked around the room. Hermione wasn't in there.

'Um, uh, we're not sure where Hermione is,' said Ron.

'I see…' said Snape. 'Well, five points off Gryffindor for truancy.'

'But – but – she could be sick!' said Harry.

'Sick enough to watch the Quidditch match, but not come to class? I don't think so.'

Harry sighed in defeat.

'Okay class,' said Snape. 'Before we start, I'd like to say something on the state of the school.'

Draco and his two pudgy lackeys snickered.

Snape ignored them. 'It seems a certain Gryffindor has been supplying drugs to everyone.' He looked at the Philosopher. 'I'd just like to say, he's doing a good job.'

Draco snickered again.

'Now, onto the lesson…'

-**Later**-

At the end of the lesson Harry and Ron packed up. Before Harry could leave though, Draco came up to him.

'What do **you** want?' said Ron.

'I want to talk to **Harry**, not **you**,' said Draco.

'I'm not interested in anything you have to say,' said Harry.

'Too bad, you have to listen,' said Draco. 'I bet you're too scared to go into the forbidden corridor.'

'The third floor corridor is forbidden to anyone who does not want to suffer a slow and painful death…'

'He's not scared of anything,' said Ron.

'I'm not talking to **you**,' said Draco. 'So Harry, are you brave enough to go into the forbidden corridor?'

'He is,' said Ron.

  
Draco pushed Ron, and he tripped over his own shoes. 'If you are, go to the forbidden corridor tonight, at midnight. Stay there the whole night, and I'll have proof you're brave.'

'What do I get out of this dare?' asked Harry.

'Anything you want,' said Draco.

'Hmm…'

'If you're brave, you'll do it,' said Draco.

'Maybe you don't have to do it, just tell him you did,' said Ron.

'Don't forget, I'll be watching…' said Draco.

Is Harry brave enough? Has Hermione done something stupid again? Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	4. Midnight in the Corridor

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 4**: Midnight in the Corridor]

Harry and Ron went back to the common room to find Hermione sitting in one of the chairs, crying.

'Where 'ave you been?' asked Ron.

'I tried to walk up the walls,' said Hermione.

'Did you hurt yourself?' asked Harry.

'No,' said Hermione. 'I'm so proud of myself I just – I just have to cry.' Suddenly she stopped crying. 'That was fun.'

'Uh, Hermione, I think you should stop buying stuff off the Philosopher,' said Harry. 'It's affecting you in bad ways.'

'No it isn't,' said Hermione. 'Isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't –'

'You're getting horrid bags under your eyes,' said Ron. 'And people are scared of you. They think you're a hobo.'

'And so they should.'

'Listen, Hermione,' said Harry. 'Draco dared me to go to the forbidden corridor tonight.'

'The forbidden corridor!' said Hermione, jumping out of her seat.

'What?' said Ron. 'What do you know about the forbidden corridor?'

'Nothing, I just sat on a tack,' said Hermione.

-That Night-

'It's nearly midnight,' said Ron. 'Can you see Draco?'

'No,' whispered Harry. 'But I suspect he's watching us.'

'Of course he's watching us, he's a wizard, right?' said Hermione. 'Wizards are everywhere, and they see everything, and they are in control of the whole world.'

'No Hermione,' said Ron, 'that's God.'

'Same thing.'

Hermione pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

'Hermione!' said Ron and Harry at the same time.

'Well I'm sorry, but I only brought one,' said Hermione. 'But we can share if you want.'

'No thanks,' said Ron.

They sat in the dark for a while.

'This is boring,' said Ron.

'Not for me!' said Hermione, as she smoked. 'I'm starting to see the Riverdance!'

'It's nearly midnight,' said Ron.

'You already told us that,' said Harry.

'Maybe like dejavu,' said Hermione. 'Maybe like dejavu.'

'Shut up,' said Ron. 'You can't talk.'

'Yes I can,' said Hermione. 'What am I doing now? Ooh, pretty colours…'

'Ssh!' said Harry. 'I can hear something…'

_What can Harry hear? Will we find out what it is?_ Find out in the next –

'It's not the end of the chapter yet,' said Hermione angrily.

Harry and Ron stared at her blankly.

'Well it isn't!'

'We gotta tell the Philosopher to stop supplying for her,' said Ron.

'Ssh!'

Suddenly the Philosopher walked in, not noticing the three who were hidden in the corner, or Draco who was trying to bumjack a statue. Harry could see that the Philosopher was dragging someone with him, who was quivering. Ron noticed that the Philosopher's eyes were blood red. Hermione noticed that several square-creatures were advancing on her.

'No, no, don't do it, please don't do it,' said the Philosopher's victim.

'Too late,' said the Philosopher. 'Now you DIE!'

The Philosopher pulled out his wand. 'Hang on, this isn't the knife!'

The Philosopher put the wand back in his pocket, and drew out a knife. 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

His victim fell to the floor.

'Holy cow!' said Hermione.

'Yeah, that was really scary,' said Ron.

'No, I can see a holy cow! He has a halo and everything!'

_Will they dob on the Philosopher?_ Of course not. _Will Hermione ever go into rehab?_ See previous sentence. _Will Draco ever meet with the statue again, or was it just a one night stand?_ Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	5. The Dead Body

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 5**: The Dead Body]

They watched as the Philosopher dragged the dead body into a corner and then walked out.

'Do you think it's safe yet?' asked Ron.

'We'll wait a few minutes,' said Harry.

'Hey look! Draco is bumjacking that statue!' said Hermione.

'What did the Philosopher give her?' said Ron.

Meanwhile, Draco quickly climbed down and zipped his pants up before they could notice him.

'That's it,' said Harry. 'I'm getting out of here.'

'But what about Draco's dare?' said Ron.

'I wasn't going to get anything for it anyway.'

'So you're telling us,' said Hermione, 'that we came here for nothing?'

'Yeah,' said Ron. The two stared at Harry angrily.

'Hang on, we saw the Riverdance, didn't we?'

-The Next Morning-

'Did you hear about the dead body in the forbidden corridor?' said Seamus.

'Did you hear about the blood found all over the forbidden corridor?' said Neville.

'Did you hear about the semen all over some statue in the forbidden corridor?' said Ron's brother George.

Everyone was talkative at breakfast. They had just been told by Dumbledore that someone had been killed.

'What did we do yesterday?' asked Hermione.

'I can't be bothered telling you everything that happened,' said Harry.

'Well yesterday I was too stoned to remember anything,' said Hermione.

Ron nearly choked on his cereal. 'You mean you're not stoned?'

'Not yet,' said Hermione. She pulled out a cigarette, and lit it magically with a cigarette lighter.

Ron shook his head. 'How much does the Philosopher give you?'

'I'm not at liberty to say,' said Hermione.

'Hey Ron,' said Fred. 'Do you want to come with us and see the dead body?'

'Not really,' said Ron.

'Come on, it'll be fun,' said George.

'Okay,' sighed Ron. 'When are we going?'

'At about three o'clock,' said Fred.

'I'll come as well,' said Harry.

What Hermione Hears

_'Hey Ron,' said Fred. 'Do you want to come with us and see a house full of dollies?'_

'Me too,' said Hermione.

'Cya then,' said George.

-Later On-

'Hermione,' said McGonagall, 'stop smoking in class!'

A few of the classmates turned to her and shook their heads.

'If you want to smoke, go out into the hall!'

Hermione got up, and left.

'Now,' said McGonagall, turning to the five students left in the class, 'let's continue on with the lesson.'

-At About Three O'Clock-

'Where do we meet Fred and George?' asked Harry, as they left Defence against the Dark Arts.

'I don't know,' said Ron. 'I didn't ask them.'

'We meet them on Sugarberry Lane!' said Hermione.

'Harry! Ron! Stoned-girl!'

The three looked up to see Fred and George. They ran up to them.

'Hello Santa Claus!' said Hermione.

'You coming to see the dead body?' asked George.

'Yeah,' said Ron.

'Yep,' said Harry.

'Yep? Oh no! The Yeps are coming to get me! Aaargh!'

'Shut up.'

They walked to the forbidden corridor and opened the big doors. There was darkness for a second, then George flicked the light switch.

Harry and Ron gasped when they saw whose dead body it was.

Hermione gasped, inhaling the smoke from her cigarette.

_Whose dead body is it? Why was Hermione smoking? What happened to Draco? Could it be his dead body?_ Of course not, he was getting it on with the statue.

Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	6. Philosopher's Grass

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 6**: Philosopher's Grass]

'It's the dead body of someone we never knew!' said Harry.

Hermione exhaled, and the smoke went everywhere, causing the people in the room to cough.

'Could you put that out, we don't want to smell this cra – oooh, pretty colours.'

'Why should I put it out?' said Hermione. 'It adds to the ambience of the place.'

'Ambience?' said Ron. 'Hermione, you need to seriously see someone about your problem.'

'My only problem is **you**!' said Hermione.

'That made no sense,' said Harry.

'No, I don't have ten cents with me,' said Hermione. 'Why would I carry around money?'

'Come on, let's go to class,' said Ron.

'Says YOU!'

'What do we have now?' asked Harry.

'Flying with Madam Hooch,' said Ron.

They went out to the Quidditch field to find Madam Hooch had already started talking to the other students.

'Because of the murder, there will be no class,' said Hooch. 'You are all dismissed.'

So they walked off. 'What do we do now?' asked Harry.

'I need more grass,' said Hermione. 'Come see the Philosopher with me.'

'There's grass on the field we're walking on, Hermione,' said Ron. 'Why do you have to go to the Philosopher?'

'Not **that** kind of grass,' said Hermione. 'The smoking stuff.'

'That's what I'm talking about,' said Ron.

'I'm going to the Philosopher,' said Hermione.

Harry sighed. 'She's stoned, Ron, don't argue with her.'

They walked around the school until they found the Philosopher. Ron and Harry stood uncomfortably as Hermione said, 'I need more grass.'

The Philosopher pulled out a bag full of it out of his pocket. 'That will be twenty pounds please.'

'Pounds? I don't want twenty pounds of the stuff. Just that bag please.'

'That will be twenty pounds.'

'Oh, I gotta pay you. Right.' Hermione handed over the money.

'Hey, did you guys see anything last night?'

'Uh, no,' said Harry nervously. 'Why?'

'The murder happened last night,' said the Philosopher. 'I wonder who did it?'

'Yeah,' said Ron, laughing nervously. 'We'll be leaving now.'

And they left.

_Does the Philosopher suspect they know? Where is Draco? Will the murderer strike again? Who is the murderer?_ The Philosopher you dumbass. Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	7. The Common Room

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 7**: The Common Room]

That night in the common room everyone sat around talking about the murder.

'I heard there was a murder.'

'Of course there was dumbass.'

'Don't call me a dumbass! Just because I'm stoned all the time!'

'Someone tell Hermione to shut up, please!'

For a few seconds they sat in silence.

'Wonder who was murdered.'

'Someone.'

'Hermione, shut up for a second!'

'Okay, if you don't like me I'll just go away. Or smoke some pot.' Hermione pulled out a cigarette and lit it in the dark room.

'Why is it so dark in here? Someone turn on the lights.'

Harry stood up and flicked the light switch. 'Aargh!' said Hermione. 'Turn it off! Turn it off!' Harry turned the lights back off. 'Turn it off! You haven't turned it off!'

'Hermione, I just turned the lights off.'

'Lights? What are you talking about? I wanted the TV turned off!'

'It is off, Hermione.'

'No it isn't!' She inhaled again. 'Wow! Now it's going technicolour!'

'Hermione, you're looking at the floor.'

'Technicolour floor!'

'So, 'Arry, know who the murderer is yet?'

'No, why?'

'I thought, since you're the big shot who solves all the crimes, you'd know.'

'I haven't solved anything yet.'

'Yet.'

'Hello everybody.'

Harry jumped. It was the Philosopher!

'What the hell are you doin' here?' Hermione asked. 'Come to see the technicolour floor?'

'You're not in Gryffindor! Why are you in the common room?!'

'I…got lost. Anyway, this murderer must be good. I'll be leaving now, to go…back to my common room.'

'Stoners must get confused with long sentences,' whispered one guy.

'I heard that!' said Hermione.

'Why would you care what they say about the Philosopher?' asked Ron.

'Philosopher? Huh? I was talking about this technicolour floor. It's dissing hoverboards!'

'Hermione, hoverboards don't exist,' said Harry.

'Then how come all you guys are on hoverboards?'

'See you later,' said Philosopher. He looked over at Harry and his eyes were bloodred.

'I see your stoned as well, ey?' said Hermione who noticed his eyes. 'My eyes go all square when I'm stoned too.'

The Philosopher left the common room. 'Ron, Hermione, can you come with me please?' Harry asked.

They walked up to the dorm, and Hermione said 'How come we're in the boy's dorm?'

'Oh yeah, you're a girl,' said Harry. 'Oh well.'

'No, I'm a boy. You guys are the females around here!'

Ron looked around nervously.

'Whatever,' said Harry. 'The Philosopher was the one who murdered that person, right?'

'Right,' said Ron.

'Left,' said Hermione.

'Well, his eyes were bloodred, like they were just then. Which means…'

'He's going for a ride on a choo-choo train to Wonderland where he meets Goku and Pikachu?'

'No, Ron.'

'Whoa, this stony stuff is real good!' said Hermione.

'Yeah, we know you like pot,' said Ron.

'No, I'm talking about the stony stuff on the floor!'

'You mean carpet.'

'Yeah…I think…'

'Listen to me,' said Harry.

'No.'

'Ron, I told you to shut up. The Philosopher is going to kill someone else!'

'Tonight?'

'Maybe. I mean yes.'

_What will they do to stop the Philosopher? Why does the Philosopher's eyes go queer when he's in killing mode? Why is Ron obsessed with acting like Hermione? Come to think of it, why do they let Hermione hang around them?_ Find out the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	8. Sneaky Sneaky

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 8**: Sneaky Sneaky]

The three stood in the dorm for a few seconds.

'Uh, shouldn't we try and follow the Philosopher?' Harry asked.

'Yeah,' said Ron.

'Yay! Bear hunt!'

'We'll need a plan.'

'Yeah,' said Harry. 'Ron, you're in charge of coming up with a plan.'

'Me? Why me? You're the one with the scar on his head.'

'Yeah, but you're smarter.'

'Really?'

'No.'

Hermione skipped over to the door singing 'We're going on a bear hunt!' She tried to open the door but it was stuck.

'Hermione, we can't leave yet,' said Harry. 'We need a plan. Plus the door's locked.'

'I've got it!' said Ron. 'We can't get noticed leaving the common room, right?'

'Right,' said Harry.

'We can use your invisibility cloak!'

'I don't have an invisibility cloak.'

'Oh. Well can you get one?'

'I found one!' said Hermione, holding it up for all to see.

'Hermione, that's Seamus' blanket.'

Hermione dropped the blanket and held something else up. 'Is this it?'

'Yes! Yes it is!' said Ron. 'How'd you find it, Hermione?'

'It's common knowledge that Seamus keeps an invisibility cloak under his bed,' said Hermione. 'I know because I've been under there. It's also common knowledge that Hogwarts is actually a conspiracy theory, forcing us into communism.'

'Right…' said Ron.

Harry took the invisibility cloak off Hermione, and hid under it.

'Harry, we're sposed to be under that cloak as well,' said Ron.

'Yeah, Harry, where did you go? You didn't do a 360 did you?'

'360?' said Ron. 'You **are** stoned.'

'Well Harry? I'm waiting!'

'Hermione, you're talking to Ron's bedlamp.'

Ron watched as before his very eyes the door unlocked and opened itself. 'What about us, Harry?'

'Just sneak out,' he replied.

Harry walked down the stairs, with Ron and Hermione crawling behind him, until he reached the common room. They were still talking about the murder, but he didn't listen to them because he couldn't be bothered. Ron and Hermione managed to crawl all the way over to that painting that doubles as a door without getting noticed.

Harry slowly pushed the painting, and it opened. 'Great security,' he said sarcastically, quiet enough so that only Ron and Hermione could hear. But they didn't, because they couldn't be bothered.

Once Harry, Ron and Hermione were out of the common room, the painting/door shut and Ron sighed in relief. 'That was hard,' he said, standing up. 'Hermione, get up.'

'No! I'm a dog! Woof Woof!' Suddenly Hermione fell on her side. 'Ow! Why'd you kick me, Harry?'

'I didn't,' said Harry, taking off the invisibility cloak.

'Then who did?'

'No one, you were just faking it,' said Ron.

'How did you know that? You're not an **alien** are you?'

'Of course not,' said Harry. 'Now we need to find the Philosopher.'

They walked around, and soon found him as he was taking his time, walking slowly.

'Where's he going?' Ron wondered.

'Don't have a clue,' said Harry. 'We'll just have to follow him, and hope he doesn't notice us.'

-Half an Hour Later-

'Look! He's going into the Hufflepuff common room!' said Ron.

'He must be planning to kill someone,' said Harry. 'But where's his killing implement?'

The moon shone on the Philosopher, revealing his bloody knife.

Which he used for preparing food!

'I'm guessing he's going to use that knife,' said Ron.

'I'm guessing he's going to use the Wingardium Leviosa spell, and then he'll turn into a rabbit and kill everyone – except for me, you know why?' Hermione began singing, 'Because I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position…' over and over again.

'Maybe we should use Hermione's singing to stop the Philosopher,' said Ron. 'Her singing will stop anything.'

_Including this chapter. Will the Philosopher murder someone else? Will anyone realise that what Hermione sings is a part of 'Albuquerque' by Weird Al Yankovic? Will the insanity ever end?_ No.

Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	9. The Philosopher Strikes Back

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza thanks everyone that reviewed this fic, especially the ones who review every chapter/

[**Chapter 9**: The Philosopher Strikes Back]

'Why would he be going into the Hufflepuff common room?' Hermione asked.

'Because he's going to kill someone, duh,' said Ron.

'I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about 'Arry.'

'Oh.'

Harry, who was in the invisibility cloak, followed the Philosopher into the common room. A few minutes later, the Philosopher left the common room and so did Harry.

'So, 'Arry,' said Ron, 'did the Philosopher murder anyone yet?'

'I'm over here,' said Harry. Ron turned around and saw Harry had taken off the cloak. 'He just went in there to make himself a sandwich.'

'I wondered what that square item was that he was holding in his mouth,' said Ron.

'Hang on, where's Hermione?' said Harry.

'Crap!' said Ron.

'There she is!' said Harry, running after her.

'No, I stepped in crap,' said Ron, who examined his crap-covered shoe.

'Hermione! Do you want to get us all killed?!' shouted Harry as he stopped her.

'You're the one that's going to get us killed,' said Hermione. 'Shouting like a lunatic.'

'Where the hell were you going?'

'Following the Philosopher,' said Hermione.

'Okay,' said Harry. 'Continue.'

'I want a new drug,' stated Hermione.

'Wait for me!' shouted Ron.

Ron caught up with the others, and they followed the Philosopher at a safe distance. 'Mmm, that was a nice sandwich,' said the Philosopher.

'I need to have a smoke,' said Hermione. She pulled out a cigarette, lit it and began puffing.

'Hermione, do you need to smoke pot every hour of every day?' said Harry.

'No, but it makes me smarter,' said Hermione. 'Ask me something.'

'Who's the Philosopher going to kill next,' said Ron.

'Vladimir Lennin,' said Hermione.

'What was that?'

'Vladimir Lennin. Vladimir Lennin. Vladimir Lennin. Vladimir Lennin. Vladimir Lenn –'

'Hermione, shut up!' said Harry.

'That wasn't a question,' said Hermione.

'Hey, where'd the Philosopher go?' said Ron.

'He went over there,' said Hermione. They noticed he had found his victim, so they rushed over to the corridor, where the Philosopher was holding a student against the wall.

'Give me one reason why you should live,' the Philosopher said, his blood red eyes glowing blood red.

'Okay…' said the victim. He thought for a while, then said, 'Can I ask the audience or phone a friend?'

Harry, despite trying really hard not to, couldn't help but coughing.

'You're cheating!' said the Philosopher. 'Getting people to cough when the right answer is stated, this has never happened before on Who Wants to be a Millionaire! You will **die!**'

He pulled out the knife, and was about to plunge it into the victim when he realised there was a bit of his sandwich stuck to it. So he ate it, then stabbed the victim.

'That's gross!' said Hermione. 'There's all these bugs in that guy's stomach!'

'No Hermione,' said Harry, 'that's blood.'

'Philosopher two, everyone else, uh…some other number.' The Philosopher walked off, with the knife still in the dead victim's stomach, and disappeared.

'It seems the Philosopher has striked back,' said Harry.

'But what's he striking back against? There wasn't any problem to begin with!' said Ron. 'He just started killing people!'

'Ron, stop ruining my heroic-sounding line!'

'Cows go moo! Cows also go "You're a bitch!" and wear too much makeup.'

_Will Hermione ever make sense? Has anyone noticed there are a lot of fics like this? Has anyone noticed mine is the best?_ Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	10. Wake Up

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 10**: Wake Up]

Harry and the others went to bed like good little rule-breakers.

Harry woke up the next day and remembered that the Philosopher had killed another person. 'That's strange, there's no noise.'

He got out of bed, walked downstairs and found no one. It seemed no one was in the dormitories either, from the silence Harry was hearing.

'That's strange,' he said. 'Maybe I can say whatever I want and no one will hear.'

He thought for a while, then shouted, 'The Philosopher murdered two people, maybe more! Seamus accidentally got Hermione addicted on drugs when he slipped ecstasy in her Coke! Ron says Draco is a girl! Ginny sings in the shower, I know because I've seen her!'

Suddenly he remembered that there might've been people out in the corridor. He checked but there was no one. 'Very strange.'

He walked around the school in his pyjamas, looking for anyone – or anything – alive. 'This is real, real, _real_ strange. Stranger than Hermione deciding to quit smoking.'

Suddenly Harry got an idea. 'I'll go make a sandwich! …uh, maybe I should check the other common rooms first.'

Harry wandered around until he found the Hufflepuff common room. He opened the door, looked around, and found no one was there. 'Why do I get the feeling this is getting stranger by the minute…just like Hermione…' He climbed up the stairs and looked in all the dormitories, but nothing. Everything was there, except for the people.

Although he was tempted to look at girls' lingerie, he decided to go look at the Ravenclaw common room. The only problem was, he needed to find it.

-Quite a While Later-

Harry finally found the common room, opened the door, and looked around. No one was there. He looked in all the dormitories, but again nothing.

'Maybe they're all having breakfast,' wondered Harry. So he waddled his way out of the Ravenclaw common room and headed off toward the place where they all ate. You know…that big hall…where they…eat…

-At the Big Hall where they Eat-

Harry opened the big gigantic doors to find…nothing. 'Okay, I think something seriously wrong is going on here.'

He walked through the big hall, looking under tables and any other place people could be hiding. 'Okay, no one's in the common rooms…no one's in the…food…place…where could everyone be?'

He turned around, and was about to leave when he heard a voice.

_'I know you're there Harry.'_

Harry turned around, but no one was there. _I'm hearing voices! Jesus, what did I do, buy something off Hermione?_

_'I know you don't believe me. You cannot see me, can you.'_

'Uh, no?' said Harry.

_'Of course you can't, you don't have your glasses on.'_

'Silly me.' Harry pulled out a pair of glasses and put them on. He looked around, but could still see no one. 'Who – who are you?'

_'You know who I am, Harry.'_

'Uh…let me think…'

_'Three guesses.'_

'Voldemort?'

_'Wrong.'_

'Snape?'

_'Wrong.'_

'Jack Bauer?'

_'Uh, I think maybe you have made a visit to Hermione after all.'_

'Who are you?'

_'Okay, I'll give you three guesses. You've seen me before.'_

'Okay, so that means…I've seen you before.'

_'You saw me last night.'_

'Ginny?'

_'No, don't be stupid. Here's another clue: I'm responsible for last night's death.'_

'Eddie Maguire?'

_'NO HARRY, I AM THE PHILOSOPHER.'_ Suddenly a figure stepped out of the shadows. Harry turned around for about the seventh time, and saw the Philosopher.

'*Gasp* It's you!'

'Jeez, wait until after I tell you who I am, and I step out of the shadows to gasp in surprise why don't you.'

'You – you – you know that – that we know – that - ?'

'Yes,' said the Philosopher. 'And because of that, you will pay.' He put his hand underneath one of the tables, and revealed the severed head of a teddy bear.

Harry gasped even harder.

'Whoops, wrong one.' The Philosopher reached under the table and pulled out to severed head. Of Severus Snape. 'This guy was one of your close friends, right?'

'Uh…yeah…sure…' said Harry.

'Not anymore,' said the Philosopher. 'And you're next.'

'Yeah – well – I – I don't believe you,' said Harry, though he didn't look like he didn't believe.

'Oh yeah?' The Philosopher pulled out a gun, pointed it at Harry, and cocked it. 'Time to say goodbye to Mister Teddy Bear.'

TO BE CONTINUED… 

**AS ALWAYS…**


	11. Freakout

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza also does not endorse the use of laughing yourself to death/

Previously on 24… 

Uh, it's Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned.

**Whatever.**

We need to begin this chapter stylishly.

***sigh* Fine. Previously on Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned…**

The Philosopher pulled out a gun, pointed it at Harry, and cocked it. 'Time to say goodbye to Mister Teddy Bear.'

[**Chapter 11**: Freakout]

The Philosopher grabbed the severed head of the teddy bear and shot it.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' cried Harry.

'Now,' said the Philosopher evilly, 'it's your turn.' He turned the gun back to Harry, and cocked it once more.

'Wait! Before I die, can I have a phone call?'

'I'll do you a deal,' said the Philosopher. 'I shoot you, and you die. Agreed?'

'I have a better deal,' said Harry. 'How about I give you the finger –' Harry stuck up his pointer, then realised what he was doing and did it the right way, 'and you give me my phone call.'

'But what good is a phone call,' the Philosopher said, eerily calm, 'if you are…unable to speak?'

'I can speak! What the hell makes you think I can't speak? I mmph mmph mmph –' Harry realised that he just wasn't concentrating on speaking, so he continued, 'Why do you think I can't speak? Are you insane or something? I mmph mmph mmph –' Harry tried to scream as his mouth closed over, but of course, since he was…unable to speak, he couldn't.

The Philosopher laughed evilly. He cocked his gun once again at Harry, who was…unable to speak, and pulled the trigger.

BANG! 

Harry sat up, breathing heavily. 'It – it – it was…was…a…' He looked around. His feet felt wet, and he realised he was in his bed. 'Crap.'

He slowly got out of bed, and cast a secret spell that got rid of the…wetness that soaked Harry's sheets. 'No one needs to know about this.'

Suddenly he felt sick. He coughed uncontrollably, and before he knew it, he had coughed up a strange bug. 'Okay, that's a bit weird.'

Harry looked around. The dormitory was empty, but he assumed that was because everyone was in the common room. However, when he climbed down the stairs, they weren't in the common room either.

'I've got this strange feeling,' he said to himself. 'Déjà vu.'

He walked out of the common room, in his pyjamas, and around the school. There was no one.

'I've got this strange feeling,' he said to himself. 'Déjà vu.'

He walked around, but there was no one throughout the school. 'This is really, really strange.' When out of nowhere, and completely unexpected, Harry was knocked to the ground, he thought that maybe it was the Philosopher.

'Harry, what are you doing out here in your pyjamas?'

'Hermione!'

Harry hugged Hermione, then realised what he was doing and they awkwardly stood up. 'You're not stoned!'

'Yet. Listen, we need to meet in the…place outside where we…have…assemblies.'

'Really? I'll have to…go back to…the…common room and…get dressed…then.'

A few minutes later, Harry was dressed. He met Hermione, who was lighting a joint. 'Hermione,' he said, 'shouldn't you wait until **after** the assembly?'

'Nah,' she said. 'It won't be about anything important.'

Dumbledore stepped up to the magic microphone, which was magically hovering in magical thin air. He magically spoke, 'I have brought you all here to tell you bad news.'

Everyone magically listened in, magically prepared to hear the magical bad news.

'Recently there was a murder of a local student. Yes, a student who was from this actual school. It's **very** hard to comprehend, especially since we are the famous school of wizardry and have many enemies. It's just unbelievable that someone from this school could be murdered.'

The people sitting down on the grass outside listened, expecting something more.

'I suppose you're expecting me to say something more. Well, I guess I'll have to tell you. There's been another murder.'

'That's _so_ eight hours ago,' said Hermione.

'And don't forget, the second Quidditch match of the year is in a few hours! Be one of the first fifty to get tickets and you win a free magical soda!'

Harry shook his head, disgraced at…something.

'Well that's just great how was I supposed to know that?!' said Hermione, completely unprovoked. 'I'm not a **mind reader** for crying out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname – torso boy! So what's he complaining about?'

Harry and Ron stared at Hermione. The sky darkened, and they had left Hogwarts – and had entered The Twilight Zone.

_I'm back, miss me?                                                                                   Well thanks, THANKS A LOT. Maybe I should quit my job. _Yeah. _You shut up. Just coz you write this fic. _Damn straight.

Find out…something in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	12. Quidditch Match 2

m==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza does not endorse sitting on broomsticks for any reason/

[**Chapter 12**: Quidditch Match #2]

Ron and Hermione sat in the big tall things. You know, the places they watch the Quidditch.

'I wonder where Harry is,' said Ron.

'Don't be stupid,' said Hermione. 'Only _stupid_ people say _stupid_ things.'

'I wasn't being stupid!'

'Shut up.'

Meanwhile, in the corridors, Harry was running for his life with the broomstick in his hand. 'This is…great…just great,' he said, puffed from running. 'First…I'm late for Quidditch…and now…it's chasing after me…'

He looked behind him, and finally made it out to the Quidditch field. Well, not the Quidditch field, but that little box-type room where the team waits until they are called out onto the Quidditch field. Unfortunately, they had already been called out, and the game had started without him.

'Thank god it's against Hufflepuff,' said Harry as he hopped on his broomstick and flew up into the stadium. The crowd roared, mainly because they were imitating lions like the commentator told them to.

Harry looked around. The snitch was nowhere in sight, but the Gryffindor team had all the Quaffles. So Harry decided to just sit there, on his broomstick, and wait for the snitch to come flying by.

SLAM! 

A bludger flew at Harry, spinning him around and around and around. The crowd gasped, and watched as Harry kept on spinning. Eventually he spun so long they began to feel sick, and vomited all the way down to the ground. (Those stands are a very high way up, you know.)

Luckily Harry stopped spinning after a while, and went back to looking for the snitch (the Hufflepuff seeker was just flying around randomly at random). This time he kept his eye open for any bludgers.

He ignored the commentators, and what was happening around him, and imagined his favourite song. _You like to think you're never wrong…(You like to think you're never wrong) You have to act like your someone…(You have to act like your someone)_ Yes, Harry Potter's favourite song is the remix of Linkin Park's Points of Authority. Don't ask me why.

Anyway, it was then that Harry noticed it. He had a sandwich in his hand the whole time, so he ate it.

Then he noticed it. The snitch. It was flying around as usual, but he decided it could be easily captured. So Harry flew over to it at the speed of light.

And it disappeared again. 'Dammit!' cried Harry. Suddenly, he heard a buzzing noise behind his ear. _Is that…what I think it is?_

He spun around and saw a dragonfly. 'Dammit!' Harry turned back around, and moved just before another bludger slammed into him. He looked around, but couldn't find the snitch anywhere.

Suddenly the Philosopher walked onto the field. Harry saw him down below, and suddenly he heard him shout 'WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT AT AT Where's your head at – Where's your head at!'

'Ooooooooooookay,' said Harry. He turned around, and there the snitch was. He chased after it, weaving in between the players. The snitch led him down, and up, around the Gryffindor team. He nearly smashed into the Hufflepuff keeper, but dodged just in time.

The snitch went around the stands, much to Harry's dismay (some people were still feeling queasy). He dodged the falling people, the falling regurgitation, and suddenly the snitch stopped in midair. Before he knew what he was doing, he reached out and grabbed it, and the crowd roared again.

'Hey! He cheated!' shouted the Hufflepuff seeker.

'How?' shouted Wood.

'I don't know, he just did! He got to it before me!'

'And Gryffindor have won their second Quidditch match!'

In the next episode: Will something happen, or won't it? Will Hermione ever decide to move from drugs onto alchohol? Why does Ron have red hair? Does Harry really wear glasses, or is it just some illusion? After all, they do live in a magical school.

Find out…something in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	13. The Teachers

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza does not endorse being chased by dogs of any kind/

[**Chapter 13**: The Teachers]

'How come you were late for the Quidditch match?' Ron asked as they walked back to the dormitory.

'Well, I was being chased,' said Harry. 'By something worse than a dragon.'

'Really?' said Ron. 'COOL!'

'Yeah, it was cool that I had to run for my life because of a stupid three-headed dog.'

'Three-headed dog?' said Hermione. 'Are you sure _you're_ not stoned?'

'Of course not!' said Harry. 'I would never get stoned!'

'Suuuuuuure,' said Hermione under her breath as she took another puff of her cigarette.

'Hey, I have an idea,' said Ron. 'Let's sneak into the teachers' room!'

'But that's a bit dangerous, and we'd be breaking a lot of rules.'

'Who cares,' said Ron. 'It's not like anyone's going to find out, and enjoy it, and use us as role models or anything. It's not like we have our faces on lunchboxes or backpacks or something.'

==**AT THE TEACHERS' ROOM**==

'What are we going to do about these killings?' said Professor McGonagall.

'Sit around and do nothing,' said Professor Snape. 'That's basically what we've done all year.'

Dumbledore shook his head. 'Does anyone know who might be causing this?'

'I have a suspect,' said Madam Hooch.

'Who?' said McGonagall.

'Who?' said Dumbledore.

'Do tell, the excitement's getting _unbearable_,' said Snape sarcastically. The teachers all stared at him. 'Well I'm sorry if I sounded _sarcastic_. I can't help it, it just _happens_ every now and then. I don't mean to. _Really_.'

Ron giggled, but saw Harry staring coldly at him and shut up. Hermione was beginning to feel the drawbacks of doing drugs; the state of denial. The psychological state, not the Egyptian river. She was twitching slightly and felt like she was going to go insane, as she hadn't smoked in two hours.

'I was wondering,' said Ron quietly, 'Hermione, do you ever do anything but smoke?'

'Yeah, I do other stuff.'

'No, I mean do you pop pills? Inject? Anything like that?'

'No, I stick to smoking. Pills can give you brain damage and injecting can make you overdose. Smoking doesn't harm.'

'It kills brain cells, causes lung and heart cancer, destroys your liver and can cause permanent blindness,' said Ron.

'Well at least it's not addictive,' said Hermione.

'Smoking pot is.'

'Shut up!' hissed Harry. 'I want to hear what they're talking about!'

'Who?' said Dumbledore. 'Who? Come on Hooch, tell us who the bloody suspect is!'

'With all due respect Dumbledore,' said McGonagall, 'Hooch is asleep.'

Dumbledore sighed. 'I should wear my glasses more often. If only they hadn't been stolen.'

=FLASHBACK= (Italics won't show up :@:@:@)

Hermione and fellow stoners giggled as they entered Dumbledore's office. How they had figured it out, no one knows. And no one will ever know.

'Let's trash the office!' said one of the stoners.

'Let's destroy this statue!' said another of the stoners.

'Let's take his glasses!' said Hermione.

=END FLASHBACK=

Snape poked Hooch with a broomstick, and she woke up with a start. 'I didn't mean to strip – oh, what do you all want?'

'Uh, I believe you were about to tell us who the *suspect* is,' said Snape. They all stared at him again. 'What, I'm not being sarcastic!'

'The suspect is…'

All the teachers leaned forward.

'You know this kid called The Philosopher?'

'No…' said Dumbledore.

'I know him,' said Snape and McGonagall at once.

'Really?' said Dumbledore.

'He deals out drugs,' said McGonagall.

'He does a pretty good job too,' said Snape.

They all stared at him.

'Uh…I was being sarcastic.'

'Why hasn't this foolish child been banned from the school forever?' boomed Dumbledore.

'Because we made a deal – I mean, we have no proof,' said Snape.

'His room is full of drugs –'

'No it isn't McGonagall,' said Snape. 'It *isn't*.'

'But I've seen it with my own eyes –'

'It *isn't*.'

'So, you think this "Philosopher" is committing the murders?' said Dumbledore.

'Maybe,' said Madam Hooch. 'He's the reason my eyes are so strange.'

'Then I shall talk to this Philosopher at once!' said Dumbledore.

Could I have gone on with this chapter longer? Can Hermione stand not being stoned for much longer? Can Draco's hair get any longer? Why do I keep using the word "longer"?

Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**

**DISCLAIMER** You may not find out the answer to the questions in the next chapter.


	14. Third Death

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza does not endorse being chased by dogs of any kind/

[**Chapter 14**: Third Death]

Dumbledore stood up. 'Uh-oh,' said Hermione. 'If he finds the Philosopher, I'll have to be rehabilitated. I mean, he might kill Dumbledore. And what if he decides to just kill us all?'

'Interesting theory,' said Harry.

Ron nodded in agreement.

'You're saving the Philosopher,' Ron and Harry both said simultaneously.

Hermione sighed. 'Okay then.' She pulled out her wand and magically disappeared from the closet. Ron and Harry did the same.

Hermione appeared near the Philosopher, who was smoking a joint while dealing out more stuff. She noticed Dumbledore coming down the stairs, and said loudly, 'Hello Dumbledore!'

'Why, hello Hermione,' said Dumbledore. 'What are you doing inside, it's lunch time. You should be out playing with the others!'

'Well I – uh, I – um, uh…I was going to visit someone in the dormitory,' said Hermione. The Philosopher noticed this and threw all his drugs into a nearby trash can.

'Very well then,' said Dumbledore. He walked past and saw the Philosopher. 'You wouldn't happen to know a guy called "The Philosopher", would you?'

'Nope, sorry,' said the Philosopher. Dumbledore continued on his "quest" for the Philosopher. _A good thing he didn't notice the drugs in the trash,_ he thought to himself.

'Why did I see drugs in the trash?' wondered Dumbledore as he walked away.

==THAT NIGHT==

'Why are we out of the dorms at this time of night?' Ron asked.

'I need to find out something,' said Harry. 'Where's Hermione?'

'You know, I don't see why we have to let her hang around us,' said Ron.

'Me either,' said Harry. He turned around and saw Hermione running, trying to catch up to them. 'Sorry I'm late,' she said. 'I was smoking and forgot to meet you guys.'

'So, Harry,' said Ron, 'what exactly are we doing?'

'Locating my lost Lord of the Rings book,' said Harry.

Ron and Hermione both fell over. Ron because Harry was being stupid; Hermione because she was so stoned she thought she was a eighty-year-old man. (Eighty-year-old men fall over all the time.)

Harry turned the corner, and gasped. Mainly because he felt like doing it. But also because he could see the Philosopher. So he crouched down, and Ron and Hermione snuck up behind him and crouched down as well.

'My head hurts,' complained Hermione.

'So does mine,' added Ron.

'Mine doesn't,' Harry said, 'because I wasn't the idiot who _fell over_, was I?'

'Idiot? Idiot?' said Hermione. 'I don't see no idiot!'

Ron and Harry stared at her. 'Hang on, are you looking at the idiot? Coz I'm not an idiot! One plus one equals three, there! That proves I'm not stupid! Oh wait…forgot to carry the one…'

'Be quiet,' said Harry. 'The Philosopher is just over there.'

'Okay,' said Hermione loudly.

'That's it.' Harry swung his fist and knocked Hermione clear out.

'I was hoping you'd do that one day,' said Ron.

Harry and Ron watched the Philosopher. He seemed to be stalking someone, strangely enough. 'Where are you,' he said silently. 'Where are you, I know you're here somewhere…'

'Should I tell him we're here?' Ron asked.

'No,' Harry hissed. 'His eyes are blood red, just like last time.'

'Oh, I see,' said Ron.

Suddenly there was movement in the shadows. 'What was that?' said the Philosopher and Harry simultaneously.

Ron remembered something he'd seen on South Park…

=FLASHBACK=

'Me, and you, and you, simultaneous me, and you, and you…' 

'Stop humming that annoyingly catchy song,' whispered Harry. 'We're not alone…'

'Of course we're not alone, Harry,' objected Ron. 'Hermione's here with us, even if she _is_ unconscious –'

'- Or dead –'

'- plus the Philosopher is here as well.'

'You just have to ruin all the fun, don't you?' said Harry. 'I want one line that I can say that makes me sound cool and mystical, and you just screw it up.'

'Sorry.'

Harry watched the shadows, and sure enough, there was movement. The Philosopher approached the shadowy area, and grabbed something. Or someone.

'What are you doing out of bed?' said Philosopher through gritted teeth. He pulled the person out of the shadows, and Ron gasped.

'That's my brother!' he said.

'Really?' said Harry.

'No, not really, I just made it up.'

The Philosopher pulled out a hockey mask, put it on, then laughed maniacally.

'He's going about it the wrong way,' said a female voice. 'He's going to get caught if he keeps that up.'

'Hermione!' said Harry angrily, 'just go back to sleep.'

'Okaly-dokaly!'

The Philosopher then brandished a hockey stick out of nowhere. 'Now that's magic,' said Ron.

'Shut up.'

'What are you going to do with _that,_ play hockey?' threatened the person. Though he didn't sound very threatening, as he was so scared he looked like he would vomit.

The Philosopher shook his head, then began whacking around a hockey puck. 'Okay, enough of that.' He pulled out a snake's head, held it up high, then slammed the fangs into the person's shoulder.

'Aargh! The venom! It burns! It burns!'

_Can a snake's head still be filled with poison? Can Hermione get so annoying that they decide to sacrifice her to the Philosopher? Is the last episode of 24 going to end with a bang?_ Don't tell me, it's on tomorrow and I don't want it spoiled. Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned**


	15. Hermione Dies

 ==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 15**: Hermione Dies]

'The venom! It still burns! It still –'

Suddenly the victim fell silent. The Philosopher fell silent. Ron fell silent. Harry fell silent. Dumbledore fell down a flight of stairs. Everything was quiet…

Except for the snoring. Of Hermione.

'Oh shit,' said Ron quietly. 'Harry, the Philosopher's gonna find out we're watching him! We need to get Hermione to wake up and leave!'

'Forget Hermione!' Harry hissed. 'I'm getting out of here! Who cares about Hermione!'

'She's **got** to get her priorities right,' said Ron.

'Were you talking about me?' Harry hissed.

'Err, no…'

Harry and Ron watched the Philosopher as he looked around, then made a run for it. Before the Philosopher realised it the two had gone.

Leaving Hermione.

Who was snoring.

Loudly.

'What's that noise?' said the Philosopher. 'It's so horrible, so annoying, so –'

Suddenly Hermione woke up, and the third victim woke up. It seems the venom didn't quite kill him.

Hermione watched as the Philosopher brutally murdered the victim. 'Holy crap, I gotta get outta here!' she said quietly.

She looked around. There seemed no way out. Either hide behind…well there was nothing she could hide behind in the first place. So it seemed she needed to either find a way to hide, or die.

'Dammit, why did Harry and Ron have to run away. Oh well, I guess I can't keep telling them to look after my drugs.'

Hermione watched the Philosopher, who was looking around for the strange noise. Hermione used this to get up and run over to the other side of the hall, where a pot plant (not that kind of pot plant) blocked her from view.

'I know you're here somewhere,' said the Philosopher. Hermione thought that this comment was directed at herself, though the Philosopher was just looking for a pen he dropped.

'I've got to escape,' she said quietly to herself. She watched until the Philosopher was out of sight, then ran for it.

'Hey! Who's there! Come back!'

Hermione turned the corner and ran down a dark corridor, past barred windows. She turned left and saw two elevators, and hit the button on one of them. The one furthest to her opened, and she ran for it.

Suddenly it all went in slow motion. A big muscled man holding a shotgun and wearing sunglasses stepped out of the elevator, and Hermione, face literally covered with terror, skidded and fell to the lino floor, stopping just below him. She stood up, before a kid with parted hair could walk in front of the big man, and ran away back the way she came.

'Hermione! Wait!'

Suddenly a guy dressed in white whacked Hermione with one of those funny sticks, and she fell to the ground. 'No! Help me! God dammit, it's gonna KILL US ALL!'

Ignoring Hermione's pointing, another guy came along, and helped the first guy. They looked strangely like people that would guard an insane asylum. Suddenly an old guy walked up with a syringe of some sort. Hermione didn't know, but it was a dose of tranquiliser. She craned her neck to look down the hallway, and saw the tall muscled man, dressed in leather, walking down with the shotgun in his hand, followed by the kid.

The big guy reached her, and grabbed one of the men in white clothes, hurling one at the white railing that lined the walls, smashing it and killing the guy. He picked up another of the men and threw him through a door, shattering the glass. The big guy then picked up the old man, and hurled him at one of the walls as well.

Hermione looked around, and sat up. 'Hermione, are you okay?' the kid asked.

Hermione looked from the kid, to the big guy, and back to the kid. The muscled man reached out for her and said, 'Come with me if you want to live.'

Hermione accepted his offer, and was hauled up. Suddenly the Philosopher appeared at the other side of the hall, where there were several sets of barred doors, almost like they were put there as if this place was an insane asylum. He was holding a pistol, and approached the bars without stopping. He moved through the bars as if he was liquid.

The Philosopher walked through the last of the bars, but was stopped. There was a _CLINK, CLINK_ then he realised that the pistol was jammed in between the bars. Pulling it out, he began to walk towards Hermione and her two new-found friends.

'Go! Run!' said the big guy, cocking the shotgun. While the kid and Hermione went for the elevators, the big guy fired at the Philosopher, walking backwards so he could get to the elevator as well. A small circle of liquid-metal or mercury solid formed near the shot wound, and this happened every time the big guy shot at him.

The elevator doors closed just as the muscled man entered the lift. But suddenly, two metal objects opened the elevator door. Hermione gasped, as she saw the Philosopher's arms had become the two objects!

The big guy cocked the shotgun and fired it, and the Philosopher's head literally exploded. There was that same metal-liquid mercury, as the Philosopher's demented head slowly reformed. By then, however, the elevator was going up.

'I never knew Hogwarts had an elevator,' said Hermione.

'I was sent back in time to protect you, Hermione,' said the big guy. He had a heavy foreign accent, which reminded her of Arnold Schwarzenegger. 'Now you must go back to the dorms and stay there.'

'Yes, sir,' said Hermione.

_Will Hermione survive?_ Of course, dumbass. _What about Harry and Ron? _They ran away before they could get killed. _And Draco?_ Hmm, he hasn't been mentioned for a while. Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


	16. Truth Serum

==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

[**Chapter 16**: Truth Serum]

'I had the strangest dream last night…'

'Really, Hermione?' said Ron. 'What was it about?'

Hermione stopped eating breakfast to explain.

'Hermione, that wasn't a dream,' Harry stated. 'Well, at least the first part wasn't. I don't know what you were smoking for the rest of it though.'

'Yeah, I found it a bit weird myself.'

'Shut up Ron.'

'So, three deaths,' said Harry. 'We've got to find a way to get this guy out of the school before he kills us all.'

'We could've done that before when Dumbledore talked to him!' said Hermione. 'Why did I have to save the Philosopher then!'

'Hermione, sshut up,' said Ron.

'We need to find a way,' said Harry. 'But how…' He soon began to daydream…

'Harry Potter…Harry Potter…' Harry stared, stunned, at the talking snake. 'Come over here…sssss…'

'Do you have a lisp?' Harry asked.

'No,' said the snake. 'It's just the way I was made…now come here, I want to treat you to sssomething…'

'Harry, why are you getting a wet dream over a snake?' Ron asked. Harry was shocked, partly because of his pants and partly because Ron couldn't have guessed that it was a snake. Unless he was a mind-reader…

'Uh, I'll be right back,' said Harry. He stood up and walked out of the hall where they had food, along the corridors.

'I never want to leave you,' said Draco. 'I want to be with you together…oh shit, it's Potter!' Draco jumped off the statue, pulled up his pants and started walking over. 'Well, Potter, what the hell are you doing?'

'What the hell are you doing, Draco?' said Harry. 'Where are your two friends? Entertaining themselves in the bathrooms maybe?'

'Are you implying things about my friends, Potter?' Draco sneered.

'Maybe I am, maybe I'm not,' said Harry. 'After all, they can't really be classified as friends, seeing as they're a bunch of backstabbers.'

'Backstabbers? Are you mad, Potter?'

'Oh, you haven't heard? Yep, Crabbe and Goyle are traitors. Oops, I've said too much.'

'Well, I'll be on my way now, Potter. Say, what's that yellow stuff on your pants?'

Before he could get an answer Harry ran away.

'Oh well, back to work for me.' He dropped his dacks and climbed back onto the statue.

Harry ran back to the dormitory and changed. 'We'd need to get the Philosopher to tell the truth somehow…then maybe he'd get in trouble…'

Harry thought about this while in the common room, then suddenly he got it. 'How else would you get someone to tell the truth! A truth serum!' He ran back to the hall and sat down next to Hermione and Ron.

'What took you so long?' Ron asked.

'I just had an idea!' said Harry. 'We could use a truth serum to get the Philosopher to confess!'

'One step ahead of you,' said Hermione. 'We already figured out that we could make a truth serum.'

'Oh. Well, are we gonna go through with it?'

'Probably,' said Ron. 'Hermione, can you make a truth serum?'

'Yes, but it'll take a month.'

'A month!' said Harry. 'By then the Philosopher could've killed ten people!'

'It's a risk we have to take,' Hermione stated. 'Either that or we let the Philosopher stay here and kill everyone.'

'Say, have you heard of this Voldemort guy?' said Ron.

'Who?'

'Apparently there's someone who used to be really powerful and evil, called Lord Voldemort. I just thought I'd bring it up.'

'I've never heard of him,' said Hermione.

'Not many people have,' said Ron.

Will their plan work out? Will Draco ever learn how to have real friends? Is Harry stupid? Find out in the next chapter of **Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned******


End file.
